Posted Sun Apr 1st by Tim Lynch
Oakland is obviously far too classy of a town for our beloved Raiders, so its time to pick up shop and move on to less savory locales. Pay no attention to the lies being reported about the Raiders franchise being a drain on the cities economic prosperity. Those punks in the city council have no idea how great our fan base is. They just ignore the six sellouts we’ve had this century. THE ARROGANCE!
Before we get through our list of potential suitors for our franchise, let’s allow Oakland to makes its case. I am convinced the city is too good for us, but they did provide this video evidence to attempt to sway our minds to leave:
In any case, I’ve wasted enough time – stupid Oakland – the goal of this post is to find reasonable accommodations for our second-rate organization that does NOT include Oakland.. If I have any thing to say about it, and I do, these are the locales on my short list of candidates:
5. Los Angeles, California
Why not? The place is like Oakland on crack – what better place to drag down society with our substandard franchise? Too predictable, I know, but hey, I had to start somewhere! With 20,000,000 people in the area, how could we not sellout games? You mean the Raiders were already in Los Angeles? And we didn’t sellout the games? Well snap, I guess we need to keep looking…
4. Tijuana, Mexico
Drugs, kidnappings, murder, fear. Ah yes, a perfect breeding ground for the Raider Nation. We could hire some thugs to take care of opposing teams too, which means we might actually win some games from TJ. I hear we could easily bribe anyone and everyone down there. Can you say mafia don? Give me a big Vanilla Ice, HOLLA!
3. Cleveland, Ohio
Yes, yes. We know they already have a football team, but we think the Browns don’t deserve Cleveland. The Raiders are far more suited to cater to the cities depressed and miserable economic conditions. I mean seriously, look at the statistics. We even have a couple of marketing videos already out there that could easily be tailored to promote our brand of craptastic football:
2. Anywhere in Michigan
What state boasts the most rankings in Forbe’s Most Miserable Cities in America list? Uhhh yeah! That would be Michigan baby! Unlike the Browns, the Lions do deserve to be in Detroit. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have Lansing! I hear the average price of homes in Michigan are about $30k or so and that is one less zero than what we see in California. We could save some cash on contracts since players won’t have to spend so much! I am certain the NFLPA would agree. Hell, we started the NFLPA back in the day. They will do whatever we tell them to do.
1. The Fiery Pits of Hell
Speaking of Hell, what better place for the Raider Nation to set up shop than in the place where all Raider fans before and to come will end up? The Raiders can then once again be owned and operated by the only man worthy of such a task. Hell tops my list because I am certain the Raiders would sellout every game no matter how bad of a football team we have!
Where Should The Raiders Relocate?
- The Raiders Should Go To Hell. (54%, 118 Votes)
- Stay in Oakland! (20%, 44 Votes)
- Bring LA Down! (11%, 24 Votes)
- TJ All The Way! (10%, 21 Votes)
- Cleveland, Yeah! (3%, 7 Votes)
- Michigan FTW! (3%, 7 Votes)
Total Voters: 220
(Update: April Fools!)