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Published on 04/01/2012 at Sun Apr 01 12:00.
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Oakland is obviously far too classy of a town for our beloved Raiders, so its time to pick up shop and move on to less savory locales.  Pay no attention to the lies being reported about the Raiders franchise being a drain on the cities economic prosperity.  Those punks in the city council have no idea how great our fan base is.  They just ignore the six sellouts we’ve had this century.  THE ARROGANCE!

Before we get through our list of potential suitors for our franchise, let’s allow Oakland to makes its case.  I am convinced the city is too good for us, but they did provide this video evidence to attempt to sway our minds to leave:

In any case, I’ve wasted enough time – stupid Oakland –  the goal of this post is to find reasonable accommodations for our second-rate organization that does NOT include Oakland..  If I have any thing to say about it, and I do, these are the locales on my short list of candidates:

5. Los Angeles, California

Why not?  The place is like Oakland on crack – what better place to drag down society with our substandard franchise?  Too predictable, I know, but hey, I had to start somewhere!  With 20,000,000 people in the area, how could we not sellout games?  You mean the Raiders were already in Los Angeles?  And we didn’t sellout the games?  Well snap, I guess we need to keep looking…

4. Tijuana, Mexico

Drugs, kidnappings, murder, fear.  Ah yes, a perfect breeding ground for the Raider Nation.  We could hire some thugs to take care of opposing teams too, which means we might actually win some games from TJ.  I hear we could easily bribe anyone and everyone down there.  Can you say mafia don?  Give me a big Vanilla Ice, HOLLA!

3. Cleveland, Ohio

Yes, yes.  We know they already have a football team, but we think the Browns don’t deserve Cleveland.  The Raiders are far more suited to cater to the cities depressed and miserable economic conditions.  I mean seriously, look at the statistics.  We even have a couple of marketing videos already out there that could easily be tailored to promote our brand of craptastic football:

 

2. Anywhere in Michigan

What state boasts the most rankings in Forbe’s Most Miserable Cities in America list?  Uhhh yeah!  That would be Michigan baby!  Unlike the Browns, the Lions do deserve to be in Detroit.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t have Lansing!  I hear the average price of homes in Michigan are about $30k or so and that is one less zero than what we see in California.  We could save some cash on contracts since players won’t have to spend so much!  I am certain the NFLPA would agree.  Hell, we started the NFLPA back in the day.  They will do whatever we tell them to do.

1. The Fiery Pits of Hell

Speaking of Hell, what better place for the Raider Nation to set up shop than in the place where all Raider fans before and to come will end up?  The Raiders can then once again be owned and operated by the only man worthy of such a task.  Hell tops my list because I am certain the Raiders would sellout every game no matter how bad of a football team we have!

Where Should The Raiders Relocate?

  • The Raiders Should Go To Hell. (54%, 118 Votes)
  • Stay in Oakland! (20%, 44 Votes)
  • Bring LA Down! (11%, 24 Votes)
  • TJ All The Way! (10%, 21 Votes)
  • Cleveland, Yeah! (3%, 7 Votes)
  • Michigan FTW! (2%, 7 Votes)

Total Voters: 220

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(Update: April Fools!)

  • Skelator

    Tijuana would perfect.  Then I could just take a piece legally obtained from Fast and Furious to the games, and not have to worry about getting busted by ATF in the parking lot for wielding my 9.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/DBB4NQTKGS3YWYXNKA4QLAY2Z4 Skylar

    Elliot Watts isa piece of trash broncos low life, knows nothen bout football n pretends to know shat wen he repeats what he herrrd on the radio. 

  • Elway452

    Congrats on winning the dumbest POS award for today. Im going to smoke one less cigarette today so i can make up for the few minutes i just lost from my lifespan.

  • Anonymous

    haha well done guys. It freaked me out when I first landed on the blog. I checked the url like 3 times and then thought some a-hole raiders fan hacked the site. 

    Then I realized that would actually take someone with an intelligence level above that of a 3rd grader so this was not the case.

    My next thought was that Kyle was kidnapped at gun point and forced to change the blog. This seemed both logical and likely as I heard rumors of a few recent Raider fans moving to Flagstaff.

    Good to see it’s all just part of April Fools day. haha

  • Dazed&Confused

    We have an NFL team?  When did that happen?  I musta been stoned.  I thought the Oakland County Coliseum was a detention center, like Pelican Bay?

  • Anonymous

    Holy crap this was funny!  I saw the posting at BroncosFreak and didn’t read the url when I first got here.  I thought that Tim Lynch was a double agent at first and got really pissed off!  Holy sh*t that was funny!   Good work Tim!

  • Nesta480

    This is alot of effort for so called Donky’s fans. You know what they say; those aren’t Raiders, want to be!

  • Anonymous

    Haha April Fools, Yeah I get it. At first I was like WTF!! But I have to say pretty funny…

    Oakland SUCKS! They belong in Nebraska ROFL!! IN a Corn Field…

  • Anonymous

     We still got Carson Palmer!! The Broncos have Peyton Manning, its okay cause we got Carson Palmer… and dont worry Mcfadden said he would play 3 games this year before he sits on the bench for the rest of em… and our defense will still blow all of our 4th quarter leads again to lose all of our games, while we watch Peyton Manning take the division in Orange and Blue, but Carson Palmer with throw one more pick 6 this year and we will still stink and smell like $#*^ in Oakland.

  • Anonymous

     We still got Carson Palmer!! The Broncos have Peyton Manning, its okay cause we got Carson Palmer… and dont worry Mcfadden said he would play 3 games this year before he sits on the bench for the rest of em… and our defense will still blow all of our 4th quarter leads again to lose all of our games, while we watch Peyton Manning take the division in Orange and Blue, but Carson Palmer with throw one more pick 6 this year and we will still stink and smell like $#*^ in Oakland.

  • Prince of Darkness

    Please do not move your team to the Fiery Pits of Hell.  We have had some nice urban renewal projects down here thanks to the Obama stimulus funding.  We had a terrific downtown revitalization project last year and people are finally starting to come back for the restaurants and shopping.  I would think you could still make a difference in LA.  Thank you, Satan.

  • http://twitter.com/TimLynch1978 Tim Lynch

    haha, thanks!

  • http://twitter.com/TimLynch1978 Tim Lynch

    Sacramento in the house!

  • http://twitter.com/TimLynch1978 Tim Lynch

    Did you graduate 3rd grade yet?  I herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd that you didn’t.  Oh and what is a shat?

  • Anonymous

     I love how all of the Raiders fans responding to these posts have a third grade level of grammar comprehension.

  • Anonymous

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auzzqw7UVAY&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PL8FACEB9E829A199F&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fresults%3Fsearch_query%3Draiders%2Bfan%2Bstab%26oq%3Draiders%2Bfan%2Bstab%26aq%3Df%26aqi%3Dq-w1%26aql%3D%26gs_l%3Dyoutube.3..33i21.1462l4475l0l6256l16l16l0l0l0l0l147l1760l7j9l16l0.&ytsession=2bNRljuGuP9rqq3Ok2xe1V5qHRbzekTEG6Z–XNmCN34csmNj6Lt2YDlAR9gDsxQRF8AEQ00fGds2WER-upIJeYqzRDR0ACcBDA8oAxpqT_T6Nv63ebymC0oe8mnGgxOeuNmpbwyM-yBwIvJscHUzY9mYuIO_KFfN-c8XXd2XaXk0gcJ-Lz8Y54JHP52zrhtl6mwEhOoxhSZ2A-vNmyi192Ko-JIWMQCYN3n1ER7EGqdQ72gvUGOny4FlY8BFRWgiUeS9w01rkQpTKSrP7q0nxDAUEuTwLuKN2zH592IIbg&has_verified=1

  • Anonymous

    I actually like Oakland.  It’s not a bad town.  

  • http://twitter.com/TimLynch1978 Tim Lynch

    I’ve been there many times also.  I consider it a craphole.

  • Donkeys

    Bronco fans think they going to the sb wit noodle neck that is fuckin hilarious wat a bunch of faggots

  • RaidersSuck

     ^^Yet another over emotional twat that knows nothing about the history of football.  Bring it on!!! You can’t win and you know it.  We have better leaders you faggot bitch fan.  Now go cry yourself to sleep.

  • Anonymous

    stay out of west oakland!

  • Anonymous

     Holy crap! 

  • Cleland70

    Ill never get that 5 minutes back it took me to read this stupid article.

  • http://twitter.com/TimLynch1978 Tim Lynch

    I appreciate your time and devotion to my pointless meanderings.  You humorless sob…