Posted Wed Mar 14th by Jon Heath
With all the speculation as to where free agent quarterback Peyton Manning should — and will — sign going on, ESPN.com‘s Rick Reilly decided to create an unbiased, objective system to break which team is the best fit for Manning. The four teams in the running are the Broncos, Titans, Cardinals and Dolphins.
Using the time-honored plus/minus system, going from minus-5 to plus-5, Reilly made the following conclusions:
Denver plays in a division that could be taken by a team of girl scouts armed with Pez dispensers. The Broncos won it last year with a guy who tossed more dirtballs than a Hooters bouncer.
Final division rankings: Denver +5, Tennessee and Arizona 0, Miami -5.
Denver has Demaryius Thomas, who is only 24 and already a ball-gobbling glutton. Plus, the Broncos have a possible star in Eric Decker.
Final wide receiver rankings: Arizona +5, Denver and Miami 0, Tennessee -5.
Tennessee isn’t bad, but neither is Denver. Do you realize the average Denver high in December is 46? That’s seven degrees higher than in Indianapolis. Denver also gets about 250 clear, sunny days a year. There’s a reason there’s no dome in Denver. The Broncos don’t need one. Only problem is, if you get Tim Tebow benched, you’re going to need a steel umbrella for all the frogs that will rain down.
Final weather rankings: Arizona and Miami, +5, Tennessee and Denver 0.
It’s not as though you’re Tom Brady. You can’t throw and catch the passes yourself. You’re going to need some help. Denver has by far the most cash to buy help with — nearly $45 million.
Final cap room rankings: Denver and Tennessee +5, Miami 0, Arizona -5.
You and your brother Eli have always had a dream to play against each other in a Super Bowl. Can’t do that if you go to Arizona.
Final Super Bowl rankings: Tennessee, Miami and Denver +5. Arizona 0.
Here’s the 2010 murder rate per 100,000 people. Hey, you have to consider these things. Denver 3.6; Phoenix 7.6; Nashville 8.9, Miami 15.4. So, in Denver, your chances of being murdered are low. In Miami, you’re basically a metal donkey at a shooting gallery. How good is your flak jacket?
Final crime rankings: Denver +5, Arizona and Tennessee 0, Miami -5.
Denver has a 10-year head-coaching vet in John Fox, who is a player’s coach. Also, you might like to end up running a team after you’re through playing. What better guy to watch every day than John Elway? And don’t forget, Elway won his two Super Bowls at 37 and 38. You’re 35. He’ll know what you need.
Final coaches/front office rankings: Denver and Arizona +5, Tennessee and Miami -5.
But the Denver area actually has more courses in Golf Digest’s top 100 rankings than any of the other three towns — Castle Pines (29th) and Cherry Hills (67). (Not going to be hard to get you on, either — Fox and Elway belong.)
Final golf rankings: Tennessee and Denver +5, Arizona 0, Miami -5.
You have twins, a boy and a girl. You need to think about where you want to raise them. Do you want them to grow up to be singers (Tennessee), skiers (Denver), golfers (Arizona) or assisted-living nurses (Miami)?
Final lifestyle points: None. No judging. Just saying.
And finally …
Arizona ranks first in the nation in number of ant species. (Your two 1-year-old girls aren’t going to like that.) Nashville ranks first in the nation in Internet shopping. (Uh-oh. No real shopping. Your wife isn’t going to like that.) Miami ranks first in international freight. (Do you like barges?) And Denver ranks first in beer production per capita.
Points: Denver +5, everybody else 0.
So, let’s see where you should go, according to our entirely objective and arbitrary system:
(We’ll keep a cold one waiting for you.)
You can read the original and entire article here: Peyton’s Next Place, ESPN.com.